Overheard at the Drycleaners:

"Can you clean this shirt?"
"Come again?"
"No, this time it's yogurt"

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


Now you know why some people are where they are!

That sums my Director up to a tee ATP. We play bullshit bingo whenever he opens his mouth

Even though working for myself makes me stressed and worried at times ,I cannot be thankful enough for not having to answer to power crazy fuck wits and arseholes that other people have to deal with. I am very lucky really.

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a f*cking savings account."
The astonished teller replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here." She goes to the bank manager to complain. The manager agrees such foul language absolutely cannot be accepted.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" Old man says, "There is no f*cking problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the f*cking lottery and I want to put my f*cking money in this f*cking bank."

Manager: "I see, and is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a dr...ink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up ………..

“I’ll try It! Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle.”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman we're sat in a bar drinking beer. The Welshman wasn't with them. He was still in New Zealand watching the Rugby..

Joke of the day -----

Trying to communicate with a sleepy Sixx...