A Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were both in a head on car crash on a quiet country road somewhere in the North West. Their cars were both completely wrecked, yet they both managed to climb out of their cars completely unharmed. They both approach one another and the United fan says, "so you're a Liverpool fan?" and the Liverpool fan replies "aye I am, and you're a Man Utd fan?". The United fan replies "Yes I am. This must be a sign from God, we've had this horrific car crash yet we've both come out unhurt, God must want us to stop hating one another and become friends". The Liverpool fan replies, "I agree... look this bottle of Whisky has also survived the crash", which he pulls out of his wrecked car and then says "I think God wants us to celebrate our new friendship with a toast". The Liverpool fan then passes the bottle of Whisky to the United fan who takes a huge drink out of the bottle and passes it back to the Liverpool fan. The United fan says "Aren't you going to have a drink?" to which the Liverpool fan replies "No, I think I'll just wait for the police.."

Kate asks the Queen for advice on a long and happy marriage. She replied, "Wear a f ***ing seatbelt and don't piss me off !"

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Sean jumps up, and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch paint brush, and my da says it will take the contagious."

Just seen this guy on a tractor shouting that we're all destined for hell as the world is about to end. Turns out it was Farmer Geddon..

Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden's death.

Sandals in the Bin

----------------------------------

✓ Saddam Hussein ✓ Osama Bin Laden ☐ Justin Bieber

-----------------------------------

Bin Laden chose the wrong hiding place. Should have gone for Ikea, I can never find what I'm looking for there.

-----------------------------------

I bet Osama Bin Laden accidentally hit the "Add your location" button during his last tweet or facebook update.

here's 1 for ya,

Q) Did you here about the girl who had a seashell tattoed to her inner thigh?

A) If you put your ear to it you can smell the sea

I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets filling in his Census form...

I'm very shocked at old Osama's death, no one normally takes a Bin out on a bank holiday....

Elton's already recorded a charity song for him, 'Sandal's in the bin' gets released tomorrow...