The wife got absolutely hammered at a Halloween party last night. I went as the Yorkshire Ripper.

It was like my mate who had Alzheimers. Every day he used to leave his house by his back door and go around to the front and ring his bell. He then used to go back around the house and answer his own doorbell.

I still dont think he knew what he was letting himself in for.

Jimmy Savile is to be buried in a family plot his coffin to be placed on that of his father.


He always enjoyed being on top of the pops.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Political correctness is going crazier every day.Apparently you cannot say "gobbledegook" unless you are a Vietnamese prostitute!

A young lad knocked on the door monday night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

I was working away and feeling a bit horny so I rang the wife for a bit of phone sex. As she answered I said "Tell me your not wearing any knickers"
She said "Actually I'm NOT wearing any knickers"
I said "Mmmmm yeah,, tell me what you are doing"
"Just having a shit" she replied.

After nearly 100 years at the bottom of the Atlantic,Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full!

You get Russ's text's as well then...